FRĒDA WOMAN: ALYSSA SHELASKY

As a writer, woman, mom and human, Alyssa Shelasky is an icon to many. We’ve loved getting to know her both personally and professionally and are so excited to share her story and words with you as a FRĒDA Woman this month. 

TALK TO US ABOUT YOU.

I am the writer of “Apron Anxiety” and “This Might Be Too Personal”; I’m a columnist at New York Magazine, my “Sex Diaries” column is probably what I’m best known for…HBO recently made a docuseries about it, which I’m in!  I’m the mother of two beautiful children, Hazel and River, and the partner to Sam, who is an artist and cinematographer who grew up on a farm in Maine (we are polar opposites and it works!)

IS THERE A MOMENT WHILE WRITING YOUR COLUMN THAT STANDS OUT AND HOW DID IT INFLUENCE YOUR NEW HBO SERIES?

I’ve had the column for almost eight years. That means every single week, for eight years, I’ve lived inside the love and sex life of a total stranger.  It’s been fun, crazy, intense and emotional.  Sometimes, even sexy. But mostly, it’s just a lot of work! The stories that will live in my heart forever are the ones featured on the “Sex Diaries” docuseries. I love the people we featured so much–they are so unique, and sex positive, and genuinely cool, and I’m rooting for them all with all my heart.  

WHAT DID YOU WANT READERS TO TAKE AWAY FROM YOUR DECISION TO HAVE A CHILD AS A SINGLE MOM?

I want women to know that there are many ways to find motherhood. It’s psychotic to me that people think you still have to “find true love” and get married to have a kid. Says who?! We have come so far, it’s just insane that women put that pressure on themselves. Have your baby, then find love. Or skip the husband part all together. Who cares? For me, I wanted to have a baby more than anything in the world. I found a way to make it happen, my own way, and the entire experience was joyful, liberating and positive. No dark days whatsoever.  When my daughter was 6-months old, I met my partner, Sam, and he’s since legally adopted her and we had another baby together, and life really worked itself out. I trusted myself and knew I could handle motherhood and anything else that came my way and I wish that kind of faith and strength for anyone out there scared about figuring their future out. You need to have a bit of a rockstar attitude. It’s fun being different. It’s cool saying, “I’m doing whatever I want to do and I don’t care what anybody has to say about it.” 

 WHAT DOES “ICON” MEAN TO YOU?

Icon equals enlightenment. It means you have located someone, somewhere,  who empowers you and emboldens you. I don’t take the term lightly.  Icons are the women you turn to for answers when you are lost,  scared or overwhelmed.  I’m extremely reliant on my icons. The whole, “What Would INSERT ICON Do?” really works for me.  I am terrified of public speaking, so oftentimes I play clips of my Icons at various events and award ceremonies, and I almost transform myself into them when I get on stage. It gets me through. When I was little, my icons ranged from Anna Quinlan to Courtney Love. Now, I look at Caroline de Maigret when thinking about fashion, and Jenna Lyons when I’m designing my home, and Alexa Chung when I’m getting my hair cut. I just listened to Natasha Lyonne on a panel and was like, ICON!  I was literally memorizing the words out of her mouth.  I have girlfriends who are icons because of their humor, or success, or how much they love their husbands, or how much they hate their husbands, lol.  I can honestly say I’d be a much less stable person without the women I worship teaching me the ways.

YOU’VE MENTIONED A FEW BUT AS AN ICON TO MANY, HOW ABOUT SOME MORE?

Patti Smith–I mean, the ultimate. Winona Ryder. Nicole Holofcener (I love all her work). Dakota Johnson (for style and overall womanhood). Naomi Watts, as an actress, but also her work with “Stripes” which is so cool. I used to be obsessed with Brenda from “Six Feet Under,” her relationship with her sensuality really influenced me. Alicia Keys, love. My mother, who is fearless, rebellious, and truly authentic–she ingrained this “Normal is boring!” attitude in us which has made all the difference. My lifelong girlfriend, Kateri, the most giving and caring nurse in Boston. Nina Garcia’s bangs. Daisy Jones! JANE FONDA! Oh, and this interview between Amy Schumer and Chelsea Handler (Icons!) gave me life.

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON AT THE MOMENT?

We are developing my book, This Might Be Too Personal, into a TV series so that’s kinda major.  I have several ongoing columns at New York Magazine that suck up all my time, not that I’m complaining. I need to start a proposal for a third book which I want to be about sexual fluidity, but in a non-intimidating way! We bought a severely unattractive home in Upstate New York and I’m doing everything possible to make it chic, which feels like a full time job. All I want is a Trex deck–big dreams! 

HOW DO YOU LIKE TO SPEND YOUR TIME WHEN YOU’RE NOT WORKING?

For better or worse, I am a STRICT custodian of my time. Typically,  I only “mother” or “work,” period, not open for negotiation. I sound like a lot of fun, right?! Ha! It’s just that those are my priorities and I never pretend otherwise: My kids and my career.  If I find myself with free time, however, I am a diehard shopper and fashion lover. And beyond that, I do enjoy the occasional drinking and bitching with my friends. And Bravo TV…somehow I always make time for my Bravo TV. (Garcelle from RHOBH = ICON.)

WHAT’S YOUR MANTRA?

So many. Of course there’s the, “We can do hard things.” Also, “The only way out is through.”  And the one that’s lived with me for a long time is Hemingway’s, “Courage is grace under pressure.”

WHAT’S NEXT FOR YOU?

An Emmy for Best Writing in a Television Series? Either that, or I become Class Mom. (Just kidding, literally nothing sounds worse.)

THE NEW YORK DIARIES

FAVORITE SHOP: The Real Real in Cobble Hill -- there's never anything there, but I love the sweet staff for never judging me when I return 90% of my online purchases.

GO-TO RESTAURANT: Lucali to impress friends (I have the secret number); Breads Bakery for quick lunches.

CAFFEINE KICK: Flat White at any coffee shop that also sells Chocolate Chip Tahini cookies, like Kaigo in Brooklyn Heights.

NEIGHBORHOOD TO WANDER: Nolita

SUNDAY ACTIVITY: Before kids, I'd shop till I dropped in Soho, then treat myself to a pizza at Rubirosa with red wine and a good book, then walk home over the Brooklyn Bridge. With kids, a great Sunday means an hour to myself at Trader Joe's.

HIDDEN CITY GEM: There's a little strip of shops/cafes near my apartment, on Atlantic Avenue, that has Humble House (excellent and affordable furniture and art), then Michele Varian (aspirational design, to die for ); and my favorite carrot cake ever at Betty's Bakery. I hit all three and go home happy.

RAINY DAY DESTINATION: These days, it's Life Time gym in DUMBO, where I do everything but work out: stretch, gossip, sauma, eat, take calls, etc. No exercising!

FAVORITE RITUAL: Once a year, my daughter and I do a Staycation at The William Vale. It's our favorite thing in the world. We eat at the rooftop restaurant with dramatic views and great food, and watch movies in bed all night; My partner and son beg to join us and sometimes we let them, but it's our most special 24-hours together.

TOURIST ATTRACTION THAT’S WORTH IT: Laduree in Soho. It's truly elegant. I want to cry tears of gratitude every time I walk in.

BUCKET LIST EXPERIENCE: Seeing Oscar Isaac at BAM!

BEST THING ABOUT LIVING THERE: I love my "only in New York" moments...those short bursts of humanity and insanity.... with mom friends and baristas and bus drivers and strangers. This fuels me, 100%. A minute or two of chit-chatting, bullshitting, complaining, whatever. Then we quickly move on. We're busy people!